Losing a loved one is an undeniably tough thing to go through. Unfortunately, all of us at some point in our lives will go through a significant loss or other traumatic event.
As Dr Lucy Hone, codirector at the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, eloquently puts it: adversity doesn’t discriminate. Dr Hone also experienced a devastating loss several years ago, after her daughter died in a car crash.
Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Until we are in the midst of it, we don’t know how we will react. The first thing is to ensure you can be an active participant in your own grieving process. Of course, you’ll need loved ones around for support and you may choose to engage with health professionals but don’t be swayed by anyone to grieve in a certain way.
While Dr Hone acknowledges that the pain of her loss will never disappear, she has come up with three strategies that have helped her see a sense of hope - and ultimately, come to terms with her loss.
- Recognise that the grief is happening to you
It’s important to realise that while the grief you are experiencing is devastating, it is unfortunately part of human existence. It is not happening to you, nor is it happening because of you – it’s just happening. Recognising this stops you feeling discriminated against, allowing you to step away from the anger and to begin processing it in healthier ways.
- Give your attention to the things you can change
Unfortunately, as humans we’re better at taking notice of the negative things in our lives than the positive. From an evolutionary perspective, this has served us well as it allows us to assess threats and deal with them quickly – Dr Hone uses the example of escaping a Sabre-toothed Tiger, for example. Yet, we’re living in a world where we are bombarded with stresses and possible threats everyday – and unfortunately, our brains tend to treat each one as though it were a Sabre-toothed Tiger.
Resilient people don’t diminish the negative but also actively accept the positives too. Think about the support you have, the things you can look forward to tomorrow, next week or even next year, and give yourself permission to be happy about even the smallest things. “Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost”, as Dr Hone says.
- Consider whether your behaviour is doing you good or doing you harm
During tough times, it can be easy to get caught up in a cycle of behaviour that you may think is harmless – but it could be keeping you in your cycle of grief. Perhaps you’re looking through old photo albums or revisiting past events in your mind? Ask yourself - is this doing you any good? If not, look for an alternative that does. You can remember your loved ones in ways that don’t do damage to your mental health. This strategy puts you in control of your own decision making.
Watch Dr Lucy Hone’s full talk at the 2019 TEDx Christchurch.
Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
- Freephone or text 1737 talk to a trained counsellor 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
- Visit depression.org.nz or call 0800 111 757
Updated: 21 Apr 2023